My Bad Boob

How are you? I had my appt today, but the biopsy I had last week was inconclusive. They found neither cancer cells nor lymph cells in what was meant to be my lymph node. Instead they found breast tissue, which must be odd as the doctor said he'd never had that result. He said it wasn't exactly worrying, but it was unusual enough to warrant further investigation. So I have to go back again on Friday for a larger "core biopsy" sample to be taken from the lymph node area and will get those results next Wednesday. So we do not yet know if it has spread beyond the small tumour yet and my cancer still has not been staged. I do have a date for surgery, which is Feb 10th. He said I should be staying overnight, then able to go home the next day. This could be brought forward to feb 3 or 6 if there is a cancellation in my surgeon's schedule. About 3 weeks after surgery I should start radiotherapy, which will last 6-7 weeks, every day except weekends. The main ...

Fear and anger aren't really my style. I don't really 'do' hopeless. I woke up this morning, and before I had lifted my head from the pillow, before I had opened my eyes, I felt the tears sliding out of them. I must have made a noise, because Rob came and sat on the bed next to me. It was the moment where you remember it wasn't all a nightmare, a terrible dream to be shuddered at then hopefully forgotten in the thin warmth of filtered sunlight. I got up. Greeted my babies with a cheerful voice. Brushed my teeth. Padded downstairs. And then a second remembrance knocked the pitiful wind out of my sails. People with cancer are desperate to find some aspect of the illness they can control. Didn't take me long to learn that. I think that's why we have so much interest in diet. I've said it for years about feeding children: what children eat and how it comes out are about the only two things they can really control. Why do you think there are so ma...

::reading ::worrying ::researching ::obsessing ::imagining ::crying ::dreading ::planning ::searching ::breathing ::praying

To-do list: get all those digital photos on my hard-drive printed off fill up all the empty entries in the baby books make a quilt for each of the girls out of the outgrown baby clothes make sure there are no emails, texts, facebook messages, or old love letters that might upset anyone find out if my life insurance includes critical illness cover find out if my union offers any death benefits cancel our hot air balloon flights go through the list of unmarried women I know to find a suitable step-mother for my children ask for a refund on my allotment rental print off all the messages I've received this week so one day, the girls know their mother was liked and loved and cared for write letters for each of my children to open on important days: their wedding day, the day they graduate from university, the day their first child is born tell everyone, even the people who will be embarrassed by it and the ones who may not love me, that I love them knit next winter's w...

What? No. It's just a little lump. No...never had any problems with them before. Um, I think it moves around when I press on it. Yes. It's smooth. Hmmm. Well, I wouldn't say it hurts. It's a tiny bit uncomfortable when I poke it. Nope. Never been on the pill. Never smoked. Yep. Breastfed all four. Over a year each. The baby till she was two and a half. Well, I think I'm fairly fit. Healthy. Haven't eaten red meat for 20 years. We do eat organically, locally and seasonally as much as we can. We even started growing a lot of our own fruit and veg last year. I'm pretty sure there's no family history. I haven't told my family yet. I didn't want to worry them needlessly. What? Cancer? No. No. No. Please. No.